That was nice. And of course it’s perfect because of yesterday. And I’m so sorry that I brought that up to you. It was so odd cause I had the coffees and I was like shit. Cause I normally do this alone. And so, I’m always alone with this. And it’s the first time when I actually had the day and people were around me. And it was like, it was like, ok, I’m gonna get through the house and I don’t have to explain myself. And you asked, and did you see me struggling? Cause I was like, hmm... how do you… how do I tell somebody the story so quickly? You know, so, I just was like, he died, and blah blah blah blah… but the thing was… it was a traumatic death.
I was with him for fifteen years. And he died of a heroin overdose next door in our apartment. He was dying the whole day and I didn’t know because I was painting and I could have saved him and I didn’t. And the day that the anniversary happens kills me because the whole day I’m thinking that I could have saved him, until nine o’clock happens and then I’m ok. But that day was just, it’s heart breaking because he’s the only boyfriend that I’ve ever had. And so, that was why my coffee is every morning, because he worked at LA General, and I worked at Disney in the daytime he would come in the morning and I’d have his coffee and so I had his coffee and we sat there, it was a birthday, he died on his birthday, and I gave him his card, and I went to work, came back and finished my project, heard something in the room and didn’t think anything about it, and then had a photo-shoot next, at six o’clock in the evening and that’s when I called, because I needed to use his bathroom because the model needed to use the bathroom and I couldn’t open up the door and I called and it rang from inside the bathroom and when I opened the door I saw him dead, clearly he had od’d on heroin and died and holding... my birthday card was right next to him and I just… I didn’t speak for four months.
When I was just talking, to Joel about why I run so quickly to different cities is because when things get too intimate or someone likes me too much I don’t tell them and I just move away and like when people here are trying to get to know me I’m, right now, not talking to them and shutting off my phone so I don’t have to talk to them cause I don’t know how to deal with liking somebody again cause I can’t handle loosing someone again.
What I mean by caring for the sick is love isn’t, I think people get mixed up that love is infatuation, it’s not, that’s felicity, and those first moments of like, really liking somebody and your hearts fluttering that’s your oxytocin just getting it, what love is, is when someone’s dying and you can’t do anything but be with them because that’s all you care about, you know? And that’s love to me. It's not this kind of... it’s like these guys in Athen’s are hilarious, because, they’re all like, they have these like story book, and I work for a storybook company, I work for F’n Disney, whose ruined the idea of love. I learned that that feeling that you have when you really like somebody is not love, it’s initiation.
The third response past that would be silence. You’re afraid to be silent.