It’s so painful. And romantic love, or love for a friend, or family member. My first love experience wasn’t good. I was left pretty defeated for a long time. And I don’t know if I should even call it love because I felt like I was somehow using him and how he… it just wasn’t right. And that hurt pretty bad. I was really insecure and got myself into a really bad situation with some pretty bad people and I wound up losing something a woman should take pride in.
I’m one of those girls that got drunk at a party. And my um, there were some things I can’t completely remember, that I don’t want to remember, and at the same time I blame myself because I consciously made the decision but over the years I’ve learned that it wasn’t conscious, it wasn’t me, but he doesn’t know that he just knows that it happened and he hates me now which is hard for me to deal with because I still care about him. I care about who he used to be or what I thought was him. Now, I think either he’s changed or he’s become more of himself so I’m not in love with the same persona and part of me always will love what he used to be. I think it has more to do with missing what I had than him. And after it was really hard because it ate away at me and I think I pushed a lot of my emotions and my sadness down but like, I put a lot of my emotions onto him more than I should have and I know I irritated everybody and they were all just kind of done with me so I kind of just shut up about it.
It took me three years to where I could be like “it’s ok, you’re ok” and then recently the only person that ever really understood me, my dad, passed and I’m the one who found him. I didn’t believe it at first, I was just in shock. I have nightmares now and bad memories because I think of what he was and how he looked when I found him, I’m just so thankful that I was only gone for a day and he passed in the night so he wasn’t all starting to decompose or anything but I knew, I mean I’ve never experienced something quite like that, I mean I’ve been around death but not quite like that. I knew the moment I went in his room and I saw him I knew he just didn’t look right and I tried so hard to wake him up.
I had to go through my senior year pretty much by myself. I had to move, I had to push down my own feelings, like my dad knew about my sexuality, and he was ok with it and he loved me and I had to move in with people who weren’t ok with it, I had to push those things down and it hurt a lot and I am so happy that I met somebody, I had already met him, but he’s very loving and understanding. He’s a good person and I am with him now and I love him but I know that I feel like I don’t deserve him being so kind to me the way he is because I feel like I’ve been a pretty bad person and I’ve just been through too much stuff the past three, four years and I mean, I’ve already had problems, I mean my mom passed when I was seven so my dad was all I had.